19 hours since I lost my girl....and how I feel

[Missypup]

Guilty....that is the first thing I need to say. I had to make the decision and I held her life in my hands. I gave the ok to let her go. He said that there was nothing that can be done. She was too big to amputate and it was spreading up her leg so fast...(osteosarcoma) I feel so empty and sad. GUILTY that maybe there could have been something.

I couldn't bring her home knowing she had cancer and that I would have to put her down eventually. She was suffering and getting worse by the hour. My poor baby is gone. She was the one that comforted me and loved me unconditionally through the loss of my husband. When people would ask if it was hard to come home alone...I said no I have my baby Missy. She would jump up and greet me at the door with her stub wagging...I would grab her squishy head, kiss her between the eyes and give her cheeks a squeeze.

Last night I went to bed alone....no sounds of my baby snoring away, or hearing her having a dream. I woke up this morning and just started bawling. I yelled out morning baby....nothing happened. When I went to the kitchen to make coffee....she was not there waiting to be let out and fed.

I feel so empty without her. I am so sad. I know I did the best thing for her, but I feel so alone.

[rottgirl]

Stop beating yourself up!!

You gave Missy the ultimate gift in life - freeing her from her pain.

I lost my first girl (Snickers) 3 years ago to lymphoma and I remember telling her when she went into surgery - "No regrets if I don't see you again leave this world with your dignity"

I was heartbroken put could see in her eyes she was thankful I was "giving her permission" to die.

We have since gotten a new girl - Paradise.I think Snicks had a hand in sending her to us. She was never a replacement for Snicks.

Take care and remember the good times you and Missy had. She is now your guardian angel.

Michele

[Harlemspirit]

Kudos to you for being proactive around a very painful experience. Your posts had me wondering if it is all worth it; to have pets knowing I might have to deal with their deaths in the future. Who knows, maybe THEY will have to deal with my death. Years ago I lost two cats within a week. This was after spending a great deal of money to treat the first cat only to bring him home in a box. A few days later I took my other cat out of the vet. hosp. and took him home. The vet had the nerve to say, "Seems like you do not trust me." I told him, "Earlier this week you told me my cat was doing better. The next day I called and was told he had died." They did not even bother to call me, but they had no problem charging my credit card nearly 2 grand for treatment. I brought my little Monster home and just wanted to hang on to him because he was so young. But he was sick and the fluids building up in his abdomen were now seeping through his skin and staining his white coat. I had to admit that he was not getting better and I was just prolonging the little guy's pain. My ex drove me to the human society, and as we were in the car, he started to massage my legs. He had not done that in a long time. She said, "He knows what you are doing. He his thankful." I do not know if that is the case, but he certainly had not done it in months.
I guess we can intellectualize death. It is the great equalizer; discriminates against no one. It is part of the circle of life.. blah blah blah.. but it certainly just hurts to have to negotiate life without your loved companions. And if I remember correctly, you have had a lot of loss recently. If I were overwhelmed in a similar situation I would find me a grief counselor. I know it would be painful and hard work, but it is also healing work. Good luck with everything. You did a very difficult, but humane thing. It is quite easy to be selfish when you are so afraid of loosing someone /something you love so much.

[groupieindenial]

Originally Posted by rottgirl

We have since gotten a new girl - Paradise.I think Snicks had a hand in sending her to us. She was never a replacement for Snicks.

They are never replaced. We move on, thats all. (And a cute puppy helps ease the pain.)

OP, when your ready, don't feel guilty about getting another dog. You did a very unselfish thing, and freed her of her pain with dignity.

[Missypup]

Thank you. I know deep down I did the right thing. I just feel so sad. She was so happy on the way up to the vet....giving kisses, getting belly rubs, then all of a sudden she is gone. I will miss her so so so much.

[Dieselpup]

I'm am so sorry for your loss. I know that empty, lonely feeling of losing a pet only too well.

I know that animals are placed in my life for a reason, usually I need help facing situation, or I need to learn something. My very first cat came to me while in grad. school. I battled severe depression shortly after enrolling and it was my cat that got me through it, believe it or not! I no longer have that cat, and I no longer have depression.

For me, my cat came into my life to help me through this situation. I'm a better, stronger person because of this experience, and I had unconditional love from an animal.

I've had my dogs for a little over a year. Who knows what crisis they will help me through in the future.

Your Missy helped you when you were most vunerable. She's left you now, but she didn't leave you where she found you. You, too, are a stronger person for all you went though, you may not know that yet.

I hope I'm making sense. You are in my prayers.

[Denise L.]

Oh my heart is breaking for you.

Please don't feel guilty...easy for me to say, huh? Any one of us would have done the same. And we would have been just as devastated. Most of us have been there and we understand.

Hugs to you.

[EmmysMom]

Yes, we do! I lost Baron to a brain tumor and I had to make the decision too. I did the right thing, I absolutely believe that and I do still miss him like the dickens and he has been gone since June 13, 1999.

She will send the right pup your way when the time is right! My condolences to you!

[Lola B Marie]

I can so very much relate to your feelings. In 2004, my husband died of lung cancer in October. Less than 3 weeks later, by heart dog of 10 years left too. I held on to her and didn't want to let her go because I just couldn't have them both gone. I was out of my mind when I told the vet he could operate on Sheena Marie. My head was truly up my butt. She came out of the surgery but bloated and they had to put her down right then and there. I never got to hold her and say good bye.
You made the right decision. Please don't doubt your self ever. I can't even begin to tell you how watching her suffer would have affected you. Her time here was only shortened by days. She did not have suffer and she was not afraid. You were kind and had her best interest at heart. You made the right decision, I promise you did!
Jane

[spoiledbabies3]

I am sooo sorry for your loss...I lost ^Tuxedo^ to OS, ^Sasha^ to lymphoma and Samson has been dx with 2 cancerous tumors. It is a horrific disease...but I truly believe that our last gift of love to our rotties is to let them cross the bridge in dignity. It is one of the most difficult parts of sharing our lives together, yet it is one of the most important. I hope time will help your heart to heal and your soul to find peace. I know your girl was met by many that had preceded her...my angel girl was there for sure...Missy is now your angel that will guide you along your journey...Godspeed sweet Missy...Fly on your wings of gold ...

[rottnelmo]

Having had to make that same decision in five minutes five weeks ago, I understand. the questions that race through your mind...the woulda, coulda, shouldas...but once we quiet our minds, we find peace in our hearts that we did what was right, we did what they asked us too.

They spoke...we listened. Take peace in that.

I just said that thing that hurts the worse is never being able to call out to him again...

Take comfort that she is whole and without pain now.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[roxter]

I totally understand as i have been there. Time is a healer ur little girl is looking over you. You made the right decision albeit a painful one. Thinking of you. Sharon and Rocky.x

[Canula2000]

when your ready, don't feel guilty about getting another dog.

For me a new pup was a way for me to move on and at the same time remember all the good things about my girl. Last night was the first time I took the tennis balls out for my dogs to play with since burying my female. My fanci-pants loved her tennis balls and I hadn't realized how much I missed her until I took out the tennis balls and my two big dogs were happily panting beside me and in came puppy with a huge smile on her face. At that moment it seemed to me that it was fanci-pants running in excited that finally I had moved on enough to play with her favorite toys. I sat down and bawled for a while and pup was good enough to sit with me while I missed my fanci.

[Daisy1213]

It's been six months since my dog passed on, I know exactly how you are feeling. I'm so sorry and thinking of you. I miss my dog greeting me at the door wagging his tail because he was so happy to see me home. Miss him lying his head on my lap when I sat down after a hard day of work. Miss his belly itching and his soothing snores too. I have a poem I found on another website, thought you would like to read it. It does bring tears to our eyes, but that is why God made us cry - to feel better and be stronger.

When tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see;
The sun will rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me.
I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too.

But when tomorrow starts without me.
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name
And petted me with her hand.
She said my place was ready,
In Heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.
But, as I turned to heel away,
A tear fell from my eye,
For all my life I never thought
That I would have to die.

I had so much to live for,
So many sits and downs to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.
I thought about our lives together,
I know you must be sad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.
Remember how I'd nudge your hand,
And poke you with my nose?
The frisbee I would gladly chase,
The bad guy, I'd "bark and hold".

If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for awhile,
I'd wag my tail and kiss you,
Just so I could see you smile.
But, then I fully realized,
That this could never be;
For emptiness and memories
Will take the place of me.
And when I thought of treats and toys,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you and when I did,
My dog-heart filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through Heaven's gate,
And felt so much at home;
As God looked down and smiled at me,
From His beautiful golden throne.

He said, "This is eternity,
And now we welcome you,
Today your life on earth is past,
But here it starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last;
For you see, each days' the same day,
There's no longing for the past.
Now you have been so faithful,
So trusting, loyal and true;
Though there were times you did things,
You knew you shouldn't do.
But good dogs are forgiven,
And now at last you're free;
So won't you sit here by my side,
And wait right here with me?"

So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart.
For every time you think of me,
I'm right there, in you heart.

~Author Unknown~

[Static'sMum]

I had to put my cat down December 8th, 2005. I still now, feel a lot of guilt related to that. He was very sick (Kidney failure) and was 16 years old. Wasn't eating, and wasn't drinking.
Even though i had no choice, as it was what had to be done for him, I still think that i let him down. But, it is our duty, to take care of our babies, and make the hard decisions. They told me I could take him home, and think about what I wanted to do, and come back after the weekend, but I couldnt do that to him. He was scared, he hated the vet. Taking him home, still sick, and then bringing him back later would have been the cruelest thing i could have done. I stayed with him, when they put him to sleep - and I have never cried so much in my life. He was my best friend since I was 10. I talked to him about EVERYTHING. But ... I don't think he left my nanna's house. He used to play with my nanna's dog Remy in the closet behind the curtain. A few days after he was pts, Remy was half in my nannas closet - bum hanging out, tail wagging like mad, just as it used to when she was playing with Prince.
I like to hope that he isn't mad with me, and that he came back home where he belonged for so long (Prince chose us - he was a stray who rocked up one day and stayed for 16 years)
So MissyPup, when you feel sad, just sit in Missy's favorite place and think about her - I bet she's there, free of pain and grateful to you for helping her one last time. Just like my Prince.