Life without Wolfgang...

[kerry]

It's me again...This is the fifth morning without his beautiful face. It seems like the sun has just stopped coming up...Your thoughts meant so much to me on my last post....I had to post again....I feel so alone with this pain..
I'm a newlywed, and my husband was only blessed with Wolfgang's presence for about a year and a half...I know he loved him, but his grief is nothing like mine....There is no one else to grief for him...I've lived alone almost my entire adult life...It was just "us" all those years...

Wolfgang was a gift from my over-protective father.Actually, he gave me two male rottie babies...A bit much for a young person living in an efficiency apt..(My dad is sweetly insane)...We hung on for a couple of weeks..I said farewell to all my material possessions..They were growing soo fast!!..I had to make a decision...there was no way I could keep them both...There I was ,suffering with the decision on the couch one night...which one to keep...Wolfgang's brother, "Chewy" was(IS) much larger..pick of the litter...Wolfgang was the runt..(turns out a hundred and twenty pound runt!)I adored them both....That night was the first time Wolfgang read my mind...Wolfgang kept jumpin' in my lap...unlike other nights where him and Chew would be consumed with each other...all he wanted to do was sit in my lap and stare at me...Chewy was just sitting there with a peaceful look..letting me know..he knew what his brother wanted and that it was o.k....Chewy was always o.k....Just sitting there, doing whatever...Unlike Wolfgang, who needed me..wanted only to be with me...nothing else would do...He picked me..

Thank goodness my uncle was able to take Chewy..He lives close.. is having a good life,lots of love, and running free on ten acres... and I can still visit him..(although I haven't been able to do this yet)

Those first years were pretty rough..I'll be honest..I was not prepared for the strength of the breed..physical, or mental...I didn't know anything about rottweliers.(other than I loved him)..and truthfully, was a troubled young person struggling with depression....I was not the best owner in those early days..I can't even think about that right now...

We made it through though, and he was the light of my life...Over the years, I have slipped back into darkness mentally a few times...and Wolfgang literally saved my life...I am not going into details here..but he knew my thoughts...and saved my life...

I have to say, that sharing my deepest thoughts with people I don't know is totally out of character for me..I'm a very private person, and not a very trusting one either...but I just want to let as many people know as I can, how wonderful he was(is)....

Before I got Wolfgang...I could barely be in a house alone..As a rape surviver, I would constantly check the doors...wouldn't listen to music, or the t.v. so that I could hear outside...just plain scared all the time...From the moment he came through my door, till the day he went to sleep...he kept that fear from me...lovingly doing his job..keeping mama safe..

I had almost forgotten that feeling of being afraid...The light he brought to my life is undescribable...His capacity for love is immeasurable...He was(is) truly an angel....

I know I should feel relief for him..knowing he's out of pain..I feel sick that maybe I should have helped him to the bridge sooner..I just couldn't..I've never had to do this before...I just kept thinking he would be alright...That he had saved my life and I should be able to save his.

Feelings of guilt keep creepin' in....the last year and a half were a lot different for him.....I fell in love, got married.....didn't spend as much one on one as he was used to...although he loved my husband...I know he was a little jealous too..(lost his spot in bed)I'm trying not to beat myself up for the times I came up short....but am finding this very hard to do...I keep thinking that he deserved a better owner...someone more upbeat or something....less baggage...

I know I had 10 wonderful years..a lot more than some and should(and do) feel grateful....I just miss him so much....



Thank you all again for letting me share my grief here.......kerry

[Biglou71]

Hang in there Kerry. It gets a little easier with time. I had to put my girl Sasha down 1 month ago today, and this is the first time I have been able to come to the Bridge forum without crying. Ofcourse, I havent left yet either.

This breed, more than any other that I have had, has a way of becoming part of you. And when they leave, it leaves a hole in your soul. My wife, thinking it would be for the best, plunged us back in with both feet, bringing home 2 abandoned Rottie pups from the pound. It has helps, but at times, it hurts too.

In the end, we all deal with grief differently, I have never that I can remember cried when a persone died. Not my father, grandparents, friends, etc. But I did when Sasha died. You will survive, just take your time, and know that when you are ready, there is another black and tan protector out there waiting for you if you need him, and that Wolfgang is free of pain.

[kerry]

Thank-you for your thoughts...I'm sorry about your Sasha..rest in peace

[StephanieandToby]

Our dogs fill up different holes in all of us...Wolfgang completed you, and you have lost your shadow.....I'm so sorry.

[Lola B Marie]

Dear Kerry,
How very brave of you to let out these feelings. I have been a therapist for many years and can appreciate your mixed emotions at this time. When you said Wolfgang could read your mind, he could. He could sense the need you had and he wanted to be with you. He had food ,water, security and love.Dogs, especially rotties love the complete family feeling. When you got married, he might have lost his spot on the bed but he gained the love of another person, especially some one you loved. When all the members of my family are finally home at one time, which is rare, my girl falls asleep. It's like she knows everything is in place. Every life is filled with ups and downs. The places that your mind took you at times did not shut Wolfgang out. He wanted to be by your side. He loved you and it was part of his pleasure to protect you, even if it meant just sitting by your feet untill the darkness passed.Always remember that you were the best rottie mom you could be. I always treated my rotties like children and learned through the journey that I was not the perfect mom. I was not always in the mood to play, or go out in a pouring rain ,or wait an hour at the vets office. I was not always gracious while cleaning dog vomit in the middle of the night or scooping up poop off the carpets because some one stole soap out of the shower when she was a puppy. But, dogs know how much we love them and no matter what our moods, they know loyality and love. Your boy loved you and that's all you need to rember. Don't feel guilty in having wanted to prolong his life. Every second with your dog was precious. You let go when you were ready. He left when he was ready to go.
I posted a poem on this site called A Dog's Prayer. Just hit search type in the title. I thing this will bring you much comfort. If you can"t find it I will re post it.
All the best for an easier time ahead. I'm glad you wrote about your boy. I feel as if I knew him and that is a really nice feeling.
Jane

[kerry]

Thank- you for a Dog's prayer...a perfect description of Wolfgang..kerry

[LORHEL]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your special boy. I do believe that although one may have several pets in their life, there is that one that gets your heart just a little more, is extra special. I've got that girl now, and I dread facing that day. I don't know how I will deal with it. I understand what you mean, my girl has been there before and after my divorce, and it is just us two now.

She is my rock, my teacher. Inspiration for getting up every day and not giving up. Hang in there, and feel free to come back to this wonderful Rainbow Bridge, where so many others know your pain. You are not alone. Thinking of you. Lori

[spoiledbabies3]

I am so very sorry for your loss of sweet Wolfgang. You and Wolfgang gave each other the unconditional love that everyone deserves. He was with you when you needed him the most...the one place he wanted to be. In return, you were with him when he needed you most...giving him the dignity he so richly deserved. You wanted to save his life...you did...you just didn't realize it. Returning his love was just the gift he needed. I am having difficulty here right now too, but it is important that I try to help others in the same way I was encouraged when I lost my beloved baby girl Sasha to lymphoma on Feb 3. Please know that I am so very sorry for your loss as my heart breaks for you. I will keep you in my daily thoughts and prayers and hope that time will help the open wound to heal. Godspeed Wolfgang as you fly on those special wings of gold!