Brutus is gone, how do we tell the kids?

[jo]

Yesterday Brutus passed on, in my arms, as I would not have had it any other way. It all seemed so sudden, which was probably a very good thing. I am still a mess, but I am trying my hardest to keep it together. I do not work outside of my home, and these 3 dogs are my life. Sleeping without Brutus beside me last night seemed to be one of the hardest things I have ever had to ever deal with, waking up was even worse. One good thing is that Nitro, the puppy, hasn't left my side since it has happened, and has continued licking my tears off of my face. My question to you guys is that Mike has 2 boys, 4 & 7, from his 1st marriage. They live with their mother, but are usually here throughout the week and stay over on weekends. Brutus was Mike's dog, before we got together, so Michael, the 7 year old, has known him all is life, and loves him to death. Brutus had just turned 9 in March. Mike's ex-wife is going to ask the child psychologist who should tell the boys and where. I just wanted the opinion from you guys, "the real experts". Should Mike & I tell them here at our house? As I am extremely close to the boys also. Or should his ex-wife tell them at their house? We just don't know what to do. I would appreciate any input. Thanks everyone...... once again.

[Sue]

First of all, let me say how sorry I am for your loss. Our furbabies worm their way into our heart, and aren't with us nearly long enough.

We've had two dogs cross the bridge since our son was born. The first was when he was four, the second when he was six. The dogs were 13 and 14 when they left us, but obviously had been with our son for his whole life. What I told our son was that I had come home from work and the dog was sick, so I took him to the vet. The vet said that because he was so old his body was worn out and they couldn't make him better, and that he died while we were there. He accepted that, though of course he grieved. I was sure to answer any questions he had, and talk about the dogs whenever he wanted to. It was actually because of him that we got our current rescue Rottie, Spike. One night last summer, out of the blue, our son said "Mom, I miss Bully. He was the NICEST dog. I wish he hadn't died."

Best of luck and prayers in this difficult time.

[Judy Chrusch]

I am so sorry Jo! I had a Brutus too, we lost him about 3 years ago at the age of 12. As for who should tell the kids, what does Mike say, and if the dog was with him and his first wife then maybe they should tell them. Make it as simple as possible, saying he was sick and now in heaven with all the other pets people have lost. The truth is the best and they must realize that death with animals and humans is a part of life so how you handle this will perhaps have a lasting affect on them so I agree to get the advice from a professional. I am one that feels you can't shelter your kids from everyday lifes events, though we are sad and would like our animals to be with us for ever, it's not the way it is. The fact that Brutus was loved so much by all of you is truly a special gift. Please let us know how it went with the kids, my best to all of you. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers. One more thing, don't be afraid to cry in front of the kids, it too is a healthy part of life. I'm so very sorry!

Judy

[2rotties2luv]

Hi Jo - I'm so sorry to hear of your loss of Brutus. I've been through this with my daughter with several pets. Strange as it may seem, helping the children through this will also help you.

Everyone has given you very good advice, the best thing to say is that he was so old and his body wore out, he got sick, the vet couldn't help him and he died at the vet's.

Get the book called "The Tenth Good Thing About Barney" by Judith Viorst from the library or bookstore. It tells about the death of the family cat and how the children remembered him by making a list of 10 best things they liked about him.

Encourage the children to talk about Brutus and remember all the things they liked most about him, things you did together, funny things that happened, etc. Make your own list of "The Ten Best things About Brutus".

Have a "memorial service". Get a big rock from your yard or elsewhere, and make it Brutus' rock. Put it in a special place, plant some flowers around it - let the children choose the flowers (annuals, so they will come up year after year as a remembrance). Get everyone together (children's mom can be included if you are comfortable with that), read your list of 10 things, everyone says goodbye, and cry a little.

We actually had a memorial garden with rocks for all of the pets that died (only one dog, though)while my daughter was growing up. Now she's an adult, and when I moved to a smaller home 2 yrs ago, she helped me to dig up all the memorial stones and put them in the garden of my present house.

Another thing you can do if you have a nice picture of Brutus (or better yet, a picture of Brutus with the children) - have an enlargement made, get a nice frame, and put it in a prominent place in your home - its a nice remembrance.

The important thing is to encourage the children talk freely and remember Brutus - and to know its OK to cry if they feel like it. It's a very sad time for all of you, but helping the children get through it will also help you.

[ May 08, 2001: Message edited by: 2rotties2luv ]

[Sampson's Mom]

I am so sorry about Brutus. It is so hard to loose such a special part of your lives. We lost Sampson a month ago and telling our kids was very hard. Justin had just turned 2 so he didn't really understand. Sarah is 4 1/2. We had Sampson for almost 2 years before she was born, so she has been with him from the first day of her life. They were such great buddies so telling her was the worst. Sampson had been sick for a year so we made sure she was involved in caring for him and understood that he was sick. When he got worse we told her that he might be going to heaven soon. We talked about heaven and that at the bridge there would be lots of dogs waiting for Sampson. We stressed that he would be happy there and would be healthy again and able to run and play and eat anything he wanted. We told her he would miss us but that he would be able to watch us from his special cloud. That seemed to make her feel a little better. When we buried his ashes in our back yard I let her help me. I told her that whenever she wanted to talk to him she could sit there and spend time with him. The hard part was when she asked me if God had made Sampson's tummy all better. I told her yes and she wanted to know why he couldn't come back to us if he was all better.

We have encouraged her to talk about him whenever she wants and she keeps a picture of the two of them on her dresser. She knows he's her guardian angel now. She tells me that Sampson watches her when she rides her bike and that he smiles at her from heaven. WIth her it seems to have helped stressing that he is in a wonderful place playing with lots of other dogs and having fun.

I don't have any advice on who should tell the kids, just be honest with them and tell them soon. I was away at college when my dog died and I was so angry that no one told me until I came home the next weekend. They didn't want to upset me, but I was more angry that I hadn't been told. Just encourage them to talk about all the good times and let them know it's okay to be sad and cry if they want to. Good luck and again I am so sorry about Brutus.

Lisa

[2rotties2luv]

Jo - Please let us know how the kids are doing, and how you are coping. I've been thinking about you all & hoping you got through it OK.

[jo]

Hi everyone. Just wanted to thank you all for your meaningful thoughts throughout this awful time.
Well Mike and I decided that it would be best if we told the boys about Brutus. Daniel, the 4 yr. old, asked kind of silly questions, but that seemed absolutely "normal" of him. Michael, the 7 yr. old, took things a little differently. He started to cry, but we assured him that it was ok to cry and ANY questions he had, he could ask. We also told him that Daddy & I had cried, and that really seemed to help. Especially hearing that Daddy!(of all people), actually cried. They really didn't bring it up anymore after the initial questions the rest of the weekend. Only once, when we coming home from somewhere, and Michael said, "It sure is quiet without Brutus here". But that is because they always loved to get a rise out of him by ringing the doorbell.....
I, on the otherhand, are not doing well at all. I miss Brut immensely! All I do is sit around and cry. Nitro definitely knows something is wrong. Both by my actions, and that his buddy isn't around anymore. I hate waking up in the morning because Brutus isn't there. I know the sorrow will never go away, just get easier, but it just REALLY hurts right now. Thanks again everyone, I truly needed this support.

[AngelBunny]

jo:

I'm so sorry for your loss. Everyone here on the Forum knows what it's like to lose a dearly loved canine friend, and those who don't, will all too soon walk the path you're on.

I'm so sorry.

[Judy Chrusch]

Hi Jody, I was just wondering how everyone was doing since Brutus died? How are the kids taking it? It will take awhile, you'll have real good days and then you'll have not so good days, just remember how much you loved him and he you. Remember all the good days and the joy he brought you. Please take care, it will get better. It will be a year for us on July 4th. I'll be thinking of you.

Judy

[littlemeintn]

Jody - I'm sorry to hear about Brutus. We've have lost three dogs in the past. When they passed, I just grieved myself until I was just about sick. Then my brother said to me, "do you know that there are people in this world who didn't have it as good as your pets and some people have no one who cry when they're gone? You gave them your best, what else could a pet ask for?" That made me feel a little better because it is true. Your children will be okay - it's us adults who are a little bit less resilent than children. Remember the good times with Brutus - he'd want it that way!

[DianaC]

I don't think it matter so much where you tell them at your place or not. Just be honest and answer all their questions.