[marya]

Dear Royalarrival,
Thank you for your input. I guess I just feel so guilty about putting Roxie, my very first dog, to sleep, that I am grasping for should haves and could haves and a thyroid problem might have explained some of her aggressiveness towards my husband especially. Roxie would give me a hard stare, and I would know enough that she had enough and back off. I would always be right, because she would "mince" her way to our bedroom and "bam", go under the bed. I would look under there during the day. Sometimes she was lying on her side resting, but sometimes she was just sitting there (hardly any headroom for her because she was so big). Sometimes she would have her head and paws sticking out. I do know that she was always a little different than other dogs (we dog owners compare notes) as she never really enjoyed body handling and would usually pull away. I don't recall her being like this as a puppy, as I remember petting her and her licking back and enjoying being close to us. She was problematic at 9 months having really displayed food bowl aggression, (her bowl was in the kitchen and she barred her teeth and growled one day out of the blue) and she couldn't be given rawhide because she guarded them and did not eat them. The trainer attributed some of this to her being the runt of the litter and being left on the side of the road in a box too early (8 weeks) (she and her 4 sisters). Sadly, I think of Roxie often, despite just having gotten a new dog who is the exact opposite of her -- real affectionate, no food aggression, and who just wants to be lying near us. Roxie only wanted to go under our bed and would spend hours under there. It was like life was too much for her. I know I have to let go and move on, but it is so hard when a dog makes such an impression on your heart, and it was such a challenge to try and help her. It feels like I used the death penalty by putting her to sleep, but my choices were limited -- who would take a biting dog with food aggression, issues with neighborhood dogs -- totally unpredictible behavior escalating. My friend says I should write a book, and it might help me work through my guilt. I have kept a journal of my thoughts from her adoption 3 1/2 years ago, and I just might do that. I enjoyed reading Marley and Me. Marley was a problem dog, but he did not have any aggression issues just phobias. Roxie would still be with us if she had phobias and had not bitten my husband that one last time when things seemed to be getting better between them. When under pressure, she bit (puncture wounds on the hand only) and than ran under the bed, instead of just getting up and going under the bed with no biting. I guess when a dog bites once, it is more apt to bite again since it worked to stop whatever the human was doing it didn't like then.

Thanks to all who have shared their thoughts with me and listened to me. My mother died in November but I am more grief stricken over my dog and her loss and my being inadequate to dealing with fixing the behavior. I think I read over 20 books and had a trainer and behaviorist, and she still couldn't be fixed or helped. The books made it seem that with just a little more management, a little more conditioning, the problelm might be able to be fixed. Sadly, it was not to be for me.