[kerry]

One year ago today I lost you, my love...and along with you..went my mind.

When my dad showed up at my doorstep of that efficiency apartment with you and your brother...I just thought Oh my god..I can't do this...within seconds your 2 month old body was in my bed taking a poop....no way I thought..no way

Although your brother had to go to live on the family farm(for obvious reasons)we made it through...(He's doing fine by the way..getting pretty slow..)

I was just a punk kid when you came into my life..and remained a punk for quite a few years...I made every possible mistake you could make...although you didn't seem to notice.....You made it look like everyone was suppose to be sleeping in the car!!

On that fourth trip to the emergency room after scratching me in the eye..again..(we finally got that worked out didn't we!!)My mom was begging me to get rid of you..."He's gonna put your eye out!!"...no way..no how...I would have given an eye before you...

The years went by and you were my light....You were jealous of my husband at first..but you seemed to know how happy mama was...and that was good in your eyes.. (Just between us..I think he was a little jealous of you too.)

When you got sick that same guy you were jealous of gave us three more weeks together because he was the only one who could lift you...and helped me put you on the mountain to sleep...and helped me in the weeks(months?) that followed when my power of speech seemed to vanish...

When the life left your body at my request..I was so ashamed... you had never given up on me..even when I deserved it....But my love..please know...when I put that raw steak in my hands and you couldn't stand...I knew you were ready....

I'll never forget the way you looked at me when we were at the vet's that last time..I was insisting my husband help you stand...refusing to believe you couldn't...you collasped and just stared at me....scared and sad...and very paralyzed...The only thing I could do was to end your suffering..and begin my own.

You were my first rotty...my first real responsibility...my first real friend...and my first real heartbreak.....sometimes it seems you were only a dream...but that little scar on my hand you gave me when you decided mama WAS NOT going to swim in that scary lake will always be a physical reminder...you did exist...

Because you did exist...The person I am today is better...kinder....more patient..more loving...braver..stronger...Your love for me has been my greatest teacher....even in your death you continue to teach me....lessons of gratitude and appreciation...

I will always try to live by your example..my love..I miss you more everyday..Although I do smile from time to time now..The sun really does not seem as bright as it was when it was shining on you...love and miss you..mama