[Gracie H.]

Little Miss Addy went to the Bridge on 01, April, 2004.

I haven't been able to write about it until today, and even now I have a lump in my throat, tears welling, and a pain in my heart. Addy will always be "My Girl." I will never forget the love she gave and the joy she brought to our family. Having to make the decision to put Addy to sleep was by far the most difficult decision I have made in my life. That night she went to the bridge we all stayed up until 2: AM ... crying and telling stories of our girl. I have never seen Pat, the farm boy, cry so hard in my life.

We spoke with her Vet, her trainer, two behaviorists, Animal Control .. each time hoping just ONE person would put that shadow of a doubt in our minds to keep Addy with us. That answer never came. Actually when I talked about it to the animal control officer, he had tears in his eyes as he gave me his thoughts and feelings.

Each person said that it was best for ADDY. It never felt like it was best for US and we kept on searching. Eventually we came to terms with what they were saying and scheduled the apt to have Addy Girl put to sleep. Addy went that day in Pat's arms. Pat, Dr. Cory, and the techs all cried together after she'd gone. Pat did his best to keep it together before she passed. He said he did have some tears, but held the big stuff back. arrghhh. This hurts.

On the day Addy was scheduled to be PTS, our daughter, Sophie was admitted into the hospital and we had to make the painful decision of who would stay with which girl. We decided to follow through with Addy's apt. for we knew if we didn't do it that day, we possibly never would, and Addy would be in fear her whole life with us holding on to her for our own selfish reasons.

It became clear that I should stay with Sophie and Pat stay with Addy. I feel so awful that I wasn't with Addy too, but perhaps God knew that I wouldn't be able to keep it together for Addy before she went. I am not sure.

The emptiness is so hard. I don't have my best friend, my shadow, my partner in crime all day at the computer while working, my bathroom buddy (no privacy with Addy!), the girl who greeted me at the door, rode in the car with me each time I drove the kids to school or to practices, my Jolly Ball Buddy, the clown of the house, the girl who snored so loud she lulled me to sleep and passed gas so bad she'd clear a room! I miss her so much it still hurts. I suppose it always will.

They say with "time" the pain will be easier, it hasn't happened yet, but am hoping someday it will.

The Vet called me to tell me that I can pick up Addy's cremains. I asked her if I could wait until Thursday as I feel like I need to pull myself together before going in there. I don't know what to do with her ashes once I get them. I bought an urn to either keep in the house, bury or to use to carry the cremains to a favorite place. I don't know what is holding me back from picking them up ... perhaps not wanting to face the reality of it all. My mind doesn't feel clear about anything yet.

If you've read this far -- thank you. I just needed to get this out. And I can't help rambling ...
I pray that I can be a good enough person to be able to meet my girl when it's my time. She taught us SO much. Her love was unconditional. She seemed to love us more than she loved herself. She will always be missed.

Til' we meet again, Addy. I Love You, Girl.